This world is everyone's battlefield

There was the time, I had a really good conversation with a friend: lying down in a remote beach, right before the dawn, looking at starry sky, talking about life.
I told him my life was a mess. I couldn't get my life together, everything was out of my reach.
He told me his past, different kind of mess. Bad things I didn't expect.

You know, everyone's fighting their own battle.

And that night, told me more than just that.
I was recharged.

Devastated

Have you ever feel
Like there's nothing left to do
You just empty
The time you just can't blame people anymore
Because people seem like, they don't want to be saved
You blame yourself
You blame the circumstances

I have
I feel that
right in the chest
right in every tears streaming down my face
again and again

I am devastated
for real.

Sad

I am writing this, 3.15 am, trying to get these studio shits done.
Thinking about people, thinking about you, generally everything just come up in my head in this typical hour. I am sad.
Not a literal sad, I think, more like worry plus anxious plus disappointed plus afraid.
I saw with my own eyes tonight: an idealism, fresh thoughts, new sights; they had to die for the sake of a figure and culture and kekeluargaan shits.
Figure and culture and kekeluargaan shits aren't bad things, but you know it's more than sad when you realized people are still blinded by them; people's vision are blurred because of those. You then can't see clearly of new ideas, new people, new cultures and values. Why most people always see "new thing" as something threatening?
I am just tired, I just wish I had an abilities to change people's way of thinking

Temporary?

How long will I love you?
I found that line from a song. Simple question.
As long as stars are above you, the song answered in the following line.
But you know, love is a complex thing. Yet I found it inadequate, a weak word. Like really, you will love someone forever?

Someone told me that love is not a feeling but a commitment; because for real, it fades away through time. This scares me a bit, like, what if later I meet someone special that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he says he loves me but turns out it’s just a temporary feeling. Probably he’ll stay but he doesn’t love me, he stay because it feels like he has to stay. And it’s just what people do everytime, I see?

What if staying with your partner isn’t really real? We just made it like it is now. What if monogamous married is fake? What if I have to live with someone and lying to each other everyday?

I really want to believe that true love do exists. Maybe it’s all because I haven’t met that someone that will let me believe? Hahaha

it is what it is.

If you are looking for someone who wakes you up before the sun coming up, then probably I am not the one you are looking for.
If you are wondering what your future partner are doing right now and you always hope she's already asleep, then maybe I don't fit your wonder.
If you always dream a perfect life; big house, money and everything all well managed, then I might be your nightmare.
I can suddenly freaking out or crying without particular reason or getting anxious about death and stuff.
I hang out with boys and I can't behave like what people expected me to.
I am a contradiction, a paradox.
I am trying, believe me, but you know, sometimes I think I want to be loved as I am.
Oh, sorry, random post.

What Am I Doing?

Here I am, my typical thoughts everytime I feel empty.

I've been thinking recently, what will I do after this.

I probably will finish my degree, getting a job somewhere, get married to someone, have kids, and die eventually. More or less.

I always want something different, I've been always a rebel. I will always look for other ways.

But not in this. I fucking have no clue.

My friend said to me once: get a life.

That kind of moment always, always make me stop.

What life he was referring to?

Because I think I always do that: get a life.

Do I?

What am I doing?

I'm sitting here in sekre hmtpwk, upstairs, trying to write an essay assignment with Regina Spektor's song is played on my Spotify. 3 friends of mine, Kintan, Sandy and Puti are exactly in my sight doing the same thing (I'm assuming).

Yup. That's probably the problem.

I'm seeing 'what I'm doing' as something really, really narrow.

Just a stuff that's been bothering me quite a while

I don’t call myself feminist for reasons (mostly because It’s still confusing for me in some ways) and being “humanist” sounds more appealing and right to me, but let’s talk about that later because that’s not the point.

In this such a holy day for feminism, with this I want to reach out to you people. "Girls", whatever you think it is; a class, group, stigma, maybe an ideology or anything in this cruel society we have these days, most of them are struggling right now. Much girls are oppresed, trapped by accusation and stigma; by rules, society, friends, even family or spouse. This doesn’t mean that men aren’t suffering for more or less same cases, but let me point out that this is happening. A lot. Around us. But you probably agree with me, girls are the one who endure such a great pain here. It’s nearly impossible to write down all of the stories here, but it isn’t hard to spot one in our daily life because it’s simply everywhere. We all sure admit that most women are not as strong as men, I mean physically, and maybe that's why this called patriarchy happened in the first place? I don't know. But one thing is sure, that fact doesn't make men better, or worse.

No, I’m not begging your pity because I won’t ruin all achievement of much great women and what they’ve been fighting for quite a while. You may hate feminist because they’re stubborn and selfish (I’m not saying what they’re trying to say is wrong). But probably, because it is always about carrier and position in society and stuffs, that are exposed. Feminism then only related to breaking rules and deviating religious value, like we women urge to be the best and rule the world and do what the hell we want. But let me tell you, it isn’t. It shouldn’t.

Look at yourself, look at people, look at everything around you. You don't have to label all struggles and fights, do you? People are suffering; so are women, or men. Because life's always being life.

To you who are reading until this very line, I don't care what your fights or what your ideology are called, there are lot women who need help because they are women. Stay awake and help, because what's the point of being human if you don't want to help?
To all women out there who struggle, fight! You're more than you think.

maybe

Maybe God was a poet,
because you're basically just like a beautifully written verse.

What if there's no in between?

I begin to think I'm getting more and more naive and ask why to things more often.
Kenapa sih orang-orang nggak gini atau begitu, apa susahnya sih berubah, or when it gets more extreme, kenapa sih orang-orang pada bego?
Is it just me or being naive is a good thing, at least, kind of?

I learned things in class, too much things. From Economy to human behavior, from Urban Design to RDTR, from Math to Landscape Architecture. I can be an evironmentalist in time and a governance in another. Or a professional consultant in the other day. What I mean to tell you here is, I got so much point of views and perspective which is a good thing, probably, and a bad thing too. Because you know, it gets more confusing and complex, I mean ketika lu udah yakin dengan satu cara pandang dan values datanglah another insight yang tiba-tiba jadi lebih suitable dan appropriate. dan insight baru itu turns out is total opposite from your previous one. Quite frustating, agak lebaynya.

Sometimes it was just so utopist, nice things, the ideals. Things like we have to reduce climate change, save environment, green energy, smart cities, love people. Then came Economy and profit oriented and huge development and civilization and stuff. And I was like what the fuck?

Back again I am a naive girl living in such a rude and cruel world. I always think that those two opposite thing can be combined. I always think, development can love people. Economist and environmentalist can sit together having coffee in a fine sunny day. Because, it is possible in my mind. But but but my surroundings and universe always give signs that it isn't.

It's always look like, black and white. Utopist and Egoistic.
Then it's just bothering me; what if there is only utopist or egoistic and there's no in between?

Still not sure

I have lived for almost 20 years until now, and probably I'm not the one here that have some identity crisis. Maybe that's okay because it's the phase we have to face in life. Who am I and what am I doing here in life...
In some points I think that it's important to know who you are but it's also time and energy consuming. Feels like I've wasted my time for something not so important, even though part of me still believe those philosophical shits I've been in formed me in some ways. Because know yourself first then you'll know the world? Still not sure.