From My Deepest.

I'm in the shady side, underneath the leafs that begins to fall.

3 PM, waiting for the dusk to come.

I have something to tell you but I can't.

So now it's all end up by a whisper I hope you hear.

From my deepest.

"I always hope we can meet again, someday..."

Morality.

This might be a kind of topic you hope you can avoid. But I'll tell you the truth, you can't. Maybe you can pretend to be but deep inside you're going to realize there's a power you can't resist and control, unconsciously; yes, fear of God. 
But first, what's morality, exactly?

"differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are "good" (or right) and those that are "bad" (or wrong)."
--Based on Wikipedia.

In my prespective, morality is something abstract and invisible, but yet real, that leads us to be who we're gonna be or we're want to be. I think everyone has morality in their own thoughts, sounds like "hati nurani" or something in Bahasa. But in some kind of people maybe that part is closed by darkness. What darkness? It might be a feint, dissemblance? Or a pretending? 
Some people pretend to avoid or pretend that they didn't know. 

I convince you, we have it, morality, deep inside our heart. Spread it out?
I convince you, we do have a choice. Choose the right thing?

A Late Night Post.

Hi you,
Here I do try not to think about that anymore, I swear. But still, those "why"s haunts me all the time. I hope you know, I'm okay and that's all I want to be. If you don't mind, please forget what've been happened before. Cheerio!

So, how's life?

My life has revolved around my school activities recently, still. I do love my class, @Superherosmanti, which is so awesome I can't explain.

Be Thankful.

I always believe that everything in this entire universe, happens, for a reason. It's kind of hard in the beginning because my thoughts are always end up being something like "It's so obviously not fair, God" or "I hate my life!", but why haven't we said, "Thank God, for everything You gave to me, may be it was my wrong" instead?
Be thankful, and find the happiness behind your thankfulness.

I found a motivation through Buku Sejarah.

"Sekiranya aku seorang Belanda, aku tidak akan menyelenggarakan pesta-pesta kemerdekaan di negeri yang telah kita rampas sendiri kemerdekaannya. Sejajar dengan jalan pikiran itu, bukan saja tidak adil, tetapi juga tidak pantas untuk menyuruh si inlander memberikan sumbangan untuk dana perayaan itu. Ide untuk menyelenggaraan perayaan itu saja sudah menghina mereka, dan sekarang kita keruk pula kantongnya. Ayo teruskan saja penghinaan lahir dan batin itu! Kalau aku seorang Belanda, hal yang terutama menyinggung perasaanku dan kawan-kawan sebangsaku ialah kenyataan bahwa inlander diharuskan ikut mengongkosi suatu kegiatan yang tidak ada kepentingan sedikit pun baginya".

Soewardi Suryaningrat (Ki Hajar Dewantara)

Kutipan surat kabar De Expres, 13 Juli 1913.

Jujur, saya bergetar baca kutipan ini. Di usia yang waktu itu baru 24 tahun, beliau berani menulis ini. Berkontribusi luar biasa. Rela ditangkap, bahkan. Saya malu, saya belum bisa berbuat apa apa. Bahkan, hanya tinggal belajar saja saya masih dikelilingi rasa malas. Padahal kalau berbalik ke tahun 19-an awal, para pemuda masa itu semangat memperjuangkan persatuan nasional. Miris ya, melihat anak muda jaman sekarang yang hedonis dan cuma tau senang. I can't imagine how it feels to him if  he was still alive.

Sadar nggak sih, beliau sebenernya juga yang bisa bikin kita kayak sekarang. Seneng seneng, sekolah gampang, nggak perlu kucing kucingan sama pemerintah kolonial. Ki Hajar Dewantara, Douwes Dekker, dan Cipto Mangunkusumo adalah segelintir manusia hebat yang (sepertinya) terlupakan sama remaja generasi sekarang. Saya kemudian berpikir, jika saya hidup di masa itu, beranikah saya melakukan apa yang mereka lakukan? Akankah saya bisa membuat perubahan, membantu menciptakan sebuah pergerakan nasional? Dan yang saya temukan adalah, jika mental saya seperti ini, seperti remaja remaja saat ini, tidak mungkin saya bisa seperti mereka.

Banyak orang yang mengelu-elukan Soekarno, but I'd rather want to meet them (Tiga Serangkai) if I could than Ir. Soekarno. Kenapa? It's actually because, I've been inspired by them with all those arousing actions and so, they weren't an orator. They spoke with their actions. Without any pupose but unify all of us among the colonialists.

Thanks for inspire me.

△stronomy.

Banyak yang bilang Astronomi itu susah. Well, kenyataannya, emang susah. I don't know why but I'm truly in love with its difficulty. Astronomi itu indah, walaupun yah emang susah. Beda dari pelajaran lain yang dipelajarin semua orang dan jadi mapel wajib di semua di sekolah, Astronomi itu eksklusif, penuh misteri, dan....asing. It really makes my eyes open wider that, there are so much things unbelievably out there. Infinite, masterpiece, but yet untouched.

Lebih ke kayak, "Maha Besar banget ya yang bikin semuanya ini..." dan Astronomy sometimes makes me deeply think the greatness of Him, which does not even get affordable by human thinking ability.. Masih banyak misteri diluar sana, yang mungkin, memang nggak bakal  bisa terjamah.

Revolusi pemikiran dan ilmu pengetahuan manusia, dari jaman sebelum masehi bahkan, kadang juga bikin speechless. Gimana caranya manusia bisa menelaah *asik* awan Magellans, bahkan pada tahun 1910? Dulu itu nggak ada Hubble Space Telescope, maaaaan! Bahkan astronom-astronom jaman dulu bisa membagi-bagi langit jadi konstelasi, rasi bintang..... And the irony is I am living in 21th century but I can't even memorize their names!  

No matter what, meskipun nanti nggak bisa lolos terus ke provinsi, I'll be forever in love with Astronomy. 

"Nanti, kalau sudah besar mau jadi apa?"
Ya, pertanyaan yang dulu kayanya sepele. Pertanyaan buat anak TK. Gampang. Enteng. Liat nanti aja.
Tapi sekarang, pertanyaan itu menjadi satu pertanyaan yang susah banget dicari jawabannya. Sama sekali nggak sepele, nggak enteng. Nggak bisa liat nanti aja. Karena "nanti aja" yang dulu kita jawab itu sudah menjelma menjadi "sekarang". Dulu tuh ya, kayanya masih lamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget buat "harus banget sekarang mikirin jawabannya". Kalau sudah besar? The main problem is I'm now "sudah besar" and I should've known the answer. 

Dulu, pilihan jawaban itu mungkin cuma 3; kalo enggak dokter, guru, ya pilot. Tapi sekarang, there are so many choices and I really don't know what I really want. How could I? Takut nggak bisa, takut salah, takut, takut, dan takut. Pilihan dan kesempatan memang membentang luas didepan kayak lapangan Sempur, tapi kalau salah langkah gimana? Nginjek batu, kesandung, kena becekan terus kotor, belom lagi kalo nginjeknya nginjek granat terus meledak dan hilang dari perdaban bumi tanpa membawa cukup amal. Ok random. Because there's no undo button in our life, choose and take the risk. Alamak.

Sunday 2/4/2013 11:38 AM

Yesterday was my another very disgusting day. Yak, I cried over something I shouldn't. Nggak tau kenapa, tapi kalo udah ngomongin masalah "itu" tuh rasanya air mata udah gak bisa kebendung, sekalipun sama kantong mata hasil begadang berbulan-bulan gini.

I actually hate this situation. These disputes are so terrible, because I am your daughter. To obey you is my obligation. And now, all I want from you is, please, understand me. It's an irony when I laughed at my powerlessness to refute you, hmm, sebagai seorang anak emang harus begitu kan? Diem aja, nurut, kalem, sama sekali nggak dikasih kesempatan buat ngomong juga gak papa kok. Ya kan?

I obviously know I'm still under your responsibility but yet I'm not your five years little girl anymore. I know you both have so much more experiences than me, but how I can grow up with this? Sometimes I just want to be free to decide what I really want. I wanna be independent, and see another side of life alone.
I love you more than the words I can say and I just want you to know that.

"....I just did."

Rumit.

Kadang sesuatu itu emang rumit, ya... I don't even know what it is or why or since when but I know I hate this kind of feeling. It's more like a guilt than a joy.

These things are killing me softly.

Here I am in the middle of nowhere. I get lost in this entire f*cking school stuffs. This weeks are so awesome I can't explain. Yes, daily exams everyday and a tons of tasks and homeworks.Seems like my head is going to explode.Whoa. Another awesomeness, once in 2 weeks there's gonna be an Astronomy lesson, preparing for OSN. It takes 6 hours in Sunday hahahahaha how lovely.
I was thinking that next week's gonna be a not-hard one but everything was going inversely. There's a TIK test on Sunday, submitting musical drama's script and the synopsis to Mr. Egga on the next day, on Wednesday there ARE two terrific daily exams: Chemistry and History, PKn on Thursday and France on Friday. These are the reasons why I really love my life.

Aku Ingin 
Sapardi Djoko Damono

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan
kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan
awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada.