Everytime.

Everytime I read or watch about someone’s life discovering stories, I always have a moment of silence and think about mine. What the fuck am I doing here and what is life questions then smashed me over and over again. I thought about escaping from this shits I’ve been doing in college too sometimes. Beach camp, off to somewhere far, find a good place to read and think. Alone. Sky-gazing. Wondering. Lost?

But you know, those things are easier to be said than done. Afraid, doubt?

I don't know. Maybe if someday I’m gone for a while, you know I’m somewhere.  

We're greedy, just admit it.

So this is an idea that just popped up in my head.
The idea of sharing. I just realized we don't share much, I mean as something great as human race. We're simply, greedy.
People don't want to share their works, their research, their way of thinking, their belongings in general just because we don't want them to be copied with some losers. We don't want them belonged to someone else.
Why?

It doesn't mean I support pirate or plagiarism, don't get me wrong. That's not the point I'm making here. The spotlight is in us, as an individual. We want to be seen, seeking for attentions and acceptence in social life. Maybe sociology can tell more, because yes we're such a attention seeker. Admit it. The question is why? Why people are so urge to be standing out and be seen?

Probably that's the reason why we're still here, anyway?
But in the other hand, I think human and its egocentric isn't necessary.
We can simply share, like, everything. Yes, social media and globalization and the internet and things help a lot. (Is it really a help? Don't know.)
I mean not only about shits you're watching right now, or songs that you like at the moment, or places you've been going. Share knowledges, your perspective to see the world, everything. Artworks, scientific paper you're working on, projects. If everyone is sharing, then probably I think there will be no plagiarism anymore. Because we make an atmosphere of sharing and helping, we put back the essence of being human to its right place. We make an atmosphere of "being human".

But yes, so utopia.

The importance of be seen and accepted are always being the main concern of most people. Not being too self-centered and selfish aren't that popular. This is kind of sad, because some said that we're rare and special, but we are endangered with our own ego and selfishness.

Random Thoughts. (Again and Again)

Everything in our everyday life, if you’re lucky enough to catch it, have little things, details, dots that later  will make some senses. Maybe today we only catch a dot we thought unimportant, but heaven knows what will happen later will make another dots turned into something. Maybe a line, or lines. Maybe those lines will make a plane eventually? Maybe it turns into 3d cube, something looks like a star  or spherical and shits?

I do believe that everything that happens right now, somehow will affects everything that will happen. I’m not calling it fate or something but you know, it’s kind of confusing. Some people say, it is what they call the next dimensions, dimensions after the third we always know (ya because we definitely live in it). But in the end, my thinking capacity isn’t that huge and maybe I’m basically stupid. Maybe most people are, too. Then we’re tired of it, so we decided to call it fate, again.

Whoa that was  2 whole paragraphs full of nothing.  

Hmm. Back again.

I know nothing about this world. Universe. Life, death, and everything in between. Human and its way of thinking. Skies and trillion stars in it. Mammals, bacteria, chemicals. The word “world” is so huge and consist of unbelivably countless random things. So here I am, one of those countless random things, writing shits.

I actually am, trying to get those shits together and write something that make sense and considerably good by most people by writing poems or maybe a kaboom scifi or cute photos of mine or over seasoned jokes or hangout with cool friends in cool places kind of story. But that’s not how it works for me, I don’t know why but seems like my brain capacity and my way of thinking, they’re both wierd. I always end up writing some random thing, like it just popped up not in a proper order. I don’t know since when but in some points it’s tiring. It’s hard for me to write in a structure, put things orderly, groovy, or something you can learn easily.

Husna kenapa curhat mulu.

Shit this is so pointless.

Try again.

Yup we’re all tiny little human trying to get to know the world. We don’t and will never stop. But again, don’t you think those are pointless because the world is just too big for us to know? I’m not sure but somehow religious people get the whole point,  you have to live your live peacefully, happy. By believing something knows and understands us, it guides us. It creates us. We believe in fate, what happened, what happens, and what will happen are out of our capability.

Those lines that made by dots,

The question is: Is it us human as individual make those lines from dots (everything we do in everyday life is the dots). Or something more huge than us do, it set up those lines and their dots consisted long before and we’re here  just following the order path?

Hi.

Thanks to some friends of mine, I finally consider to come back here and write something more worth reading. Really, it has been like, 5 years since my first post. What a plenty of time. Looking back through posts I've been made here, glad to know that my way of thinking changed from time to time. It's funny, actually. And a bit wierd.
Anyway, glad to be back.

Then I believe the strongest love bound is called a family.

When you went somewhere far, and left all things you had got before, like your family, you would feel something like hundred times more than just sad. It was horrible. I can't even think the right adjective to describe it. You lost something you knew you couldn't replace. 

The flashbacks were the worst. Memories came back and smashed you over and over again. Everything was reminded you of them. You began to replay how the last time you met them. You began to wonder if they missed you the way you did. You began to think how was home, what did they do at the time, what will it be if you were there.... This was the phase when you wanted to come back, be there, be loved...

It felt so good at first that you no longer trapped or over ruled but that was a sad thing too, to know that those times full of worries and rules are over. No one would sincerely care. No one would be angry when you went home late, or you did something wrong, the way your mom and dad did. You simply knew that they did that the whole time because they loved you. They always love you. You would appreciate the presence of them in your life because of absence by distance. 

Then there came a moment in your life when you realized you couldn't really go back. You were such an egoist bitch. You left them. You said you want to chase your dreams. You left because you said the time had come, to live alone, to figure out life. But yes, I found a good side, too. I learned how to live, to survive, I learned how to manage life. I learned things, a lot of things.

But in the end you'll realize that family made you who you are today and make who you'll become someday. Home will be the best place for your heart to come back, where your heart is truly belong. No matter what happened family will be there for you, guide you and enlightening you. Forever. As long as you live.

Then I believe the strongest love bound is called a family.

(No title needed)

Belajar di kelas bareng.
Gosip bareng.
Random chat di Line bareng.
Ledekan super kejam bareng.
Latihan ensemble bareng.
Ngomporin orang bareng.
Makan bekel bareng.
Mie ayam Pak Yoyo bareng.
Nyalin PR bareng.
Ngobrol ngalor ngidul sampe sore bareng.
Selfie nggak jelas bareng.
Nyupporterin Smanti League yg pecah banget bareng.
Nyetel lagu di speaker sore-sore bareng.
Nonton film bareng.
Gabut bareng.
Nge-copy film bareng.
.
.
.
There comes a time in your life when you completely realize kalo emang yg kaya gitu ga bakal pernah keulang. Ga akan ada lagi.
There comes a moment, disaat tugas kuliah ga habis-habis tiap hari, lu bakal kangen sama all that "bareng-bareng" things.
There comes a pause, when you realize that they all simply mean in your memory back then.
There comes a thought, when you realize they helped you shape yourself until you become someone who you are today.
Then, there comes a time when you realize you simply miss them much. Pretty much.
.
I used to spend most of the day with them.
Then feels like everything's just vanished.
Kangen.

Sometimes letting something go is a beautiful thing that ever happened in your life

“Kecewa nggak sih, impian ITB-nya harus kandas?”

Saya menulis ini karena saya lagi writer block buat nulis essay tugas ospek. And I don’t really have something to do so....yea. Here we go.

I always have dreams, until I become unaware of how high my dreams are. Someone told me there’s no mimpi ketinggian or something, but when you try to be more a realist, then they become clearer. You can’t reach them all. Or maybe you can, but God don’t let you be. I want to study in UK, or Germany, or maybe Norway.  I want to get to ITB. I want to work for NASA. I want this, I want that.

I had a dream, once. I honestly don’t remember the exact time when it started, I think it was around 2010 when I was a junior high school-er. I tried to forget UK and really into ITB (as my future college). I said that to everyone, here and there, that I want to go to ITB. Maybe I didn’t really know what I was facing that time, but I was young and stupid (this is a wrong adjective actually but I can’t think something else) so then I carried that dream everyday in my life.

Until then there was a night that made me thinking about how sometimes dreams were not parallel with the real future. Because of some reasons I had in my head (that I thought that was the most realistic), I think I don’t want to discuss it here but you can ask me personally, I (try to) let ITB go. I (try to) let my dream go.  I cried that night. It was sad. I let something I always want go. I asked someone for advice and he said, “...ya emang karena kita udah disiapin jalan masing-masing yang emang terbaik buat kita, kalo emg di’suruh’ masuk ITB jg pasti ada jalannya kok...”

Then I chose UGM instead of ITB in SNMPTN (even I knew it was a gamble too). I knew God had plan. Later I know ITB wasn’t  his plan for me. And here I am right now, ngerjain tugas ospek UGM ;;)

Am I dissapointed?

I’m a bit dissapointed that I never try. Ngeliat teman-teman struggle jatuh bangun, ngerasain gagal, I envy them for that. Jalan saya memang lumayan mulus, dan saya bersyukur untuk itu, but believe me nothing teach you the most but a bitter experience. Saya pengen berjuang untuk ITB, ikut SBMPTN, tapi kemudian saya beryukur dengan apa yg saya dapat, yang Tuhan kasih. I don’t want to force God because I never can. Saya ditakdirkan disini dan saya bersyukur. Kalau ga jadi kuliah di ITB nya sih saya nggak kecewa, karena saya tau bukan saya yg buat jalan saya sendiri. Saya tidak menyesal pernah mimpi ke ITB, dan berkoar-koar ke orang-orang, karena mimpi itu yg nganter saya sekarang bisa ke UGM.

We obviously can dream but we can’t always be what we’re dreaming of.

PPSMB, Pentingkah?

Pertama kali saya dinyatakan diterima oleh UGM lewat jalur SNMPTN, tentunya saya sangat senang bisa diterima di kampus terbaik bangsa. Saya kemudian mulai membayangkan kehidupan kampus yang kelihatannya sangat menyenangkan ketika saya masih SMA. Tidak ada lagi seragam, tidak lagi ada ulangan, tugas, remedial, tidak ada lagi upacara bendera, dan lebih bebas melakukan apa saja. Intinya sesuatu yang lebih menyenangkan.

Tentu mungkin bagi kakak tingkat khayalan tersebut sesungguhnya tidak akan pernah terwujud. Kakak kelas saya kemudian bercerita banyak hal tentang tugas-tugas  yang tidak ada habisnya, kegiatan ini, kegiatan itu. Pokoknya kuliah itu melelahkan dan penuh perjuangan, dan tidak semenyenangkan harapan para mahasiswa baru, apalagi seperti di FTV. Perjuangan di kampus seharusnya sudah di kenalkan sejak dini kepada mahasiswa baru seperti saya.

Kemudian saya dikenalkan dengan PPSMB, atau nama lain dari ospek di UGM. Awalnya saya apatis dan menganggap enteng, tidak terlalu penting. Paling hanya seperti MOS di SMA yang isinya marah-marahan drama. MOS menurut saya tidak terlalu berpengaruh untuk kehidupan saya selanjutnya di sekolah. Padahal MOS memiliki kepanjangan Masa Orientasi Siswa yang mestinya memfasilitasi siswa untuk dapat berorientasi dengan kehidupan di se

kolah tersebut. Bukannya malah membebani siswa dengan sesuatu yang sebenarnya tidak perlu.

Menurut saya masa orientasi di suatu lembaga pendidikan sangatlah penting dan krusial. Disanalah kita dapat menilai sejauh mana kredibilitas sekolah tersebut. Kebanyakan sekolah ecek-ecek akan mengadakan MOS atau Ospek yang ecek-ecek pula. Penuh kekerasan, baik fisik maupun mental, dan senioritas. Masa orientasi ialah masa pengenalan. Apabila siswa atau mahasiswanya dikenalkan dengan kekerasan di awal, bagaimana masa depan para siswa atau mahasiswa nantinya? Bagaimana masa depan sekolah tersebut? Bagaimana nanti nasib bangsa kedepan dan bahkan peradaban dunia di kemudian hari apabila sekolah diisi dengan kekerasan? Bukankah lebih baik bila masa orientasi menjadi hal yang menyenangkan dan ditunggu-tunggu siswa atau mahasiswanya? Masa orientasi diisi dengan kegiatan-kegiatan yang menyenangkan dan bermanfaat, baik bagi siswa itu sendiri maupun lingkungannya.

Dan begitulah kira-kira harapan saya akan PPSMB Palapa UGM. Penuh manfaat bagi semua, dan menyenangkan. Karena suatu lembaga pendidikan dapat dinilai dari kualitas masa orientasinya, dan saya yakin UGM merupakan lembaga pendidikan yang sangat baik, kredibel, dan bermoral.  Saya berharap mendapatkan banyak pengalaman dan teman baru pada kegiatan ini.

Jadi apabila ada yang bertanya pada saya pentingkah PPSMB, saya tentunya akan menjawab penting, selama PPSMB dilaksanakan dengan baik dan sesuai aturan, serta tidak melanggar kaidah dan moral yang berlaku.

Have I Been Trapped the Whole Time?

Feels like life has been a trap this whole time.
And lying.
And torturing.
Because right and wrong doesn't even exist.
Dos and don'ts always look blurry and surreal.
Delusional.
.
.
Who are we?
What is life?
.
Then
.
Where are You?
Help me.
I'm lost.
.
Or,
Maybe,
You mislead me all this time?
.
.
.
Oh God forgive me.

I just don't know what to write.
I'm just here, sit, listen, think...
I backsound this moment with O by Coldplay.
"Fly on, ride through..."
Then here I go again, doing nothing but deep, deep, inside I feel something I can't even describe.
I don't hate you, you, or you, or my life.
I don't.
I don't?
I just don't know what you, you, or you, or my life, are.
.
.
.
Then I believe "not knowing" is the most dangerous thing.

From My Deepest.

I'm in the shady side, underneath the leafs that begins to fall.

3 PM, waiting for the dusk to come.

I have something to tell you but I can't.

So now it's all end up by a whisper I hope you hear.

From my deepest.

"I always hope we can meet again, someday..."

Morality.

This might be a kind of topic you hope you can avoid. But I'll tell you the truth, you can't. Maybe you can pretend to be but deep inside you're going to realize there's a power you can't resist and control, unconsciously; yes, fear of God. 
But first, what's morality, exactly?

"differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are "good" (or right) and those that are "bad" (or wrong)."
--Based on Wikipedia.

In my prespective, morality is something abstract and invisible, but yet real, that leads us to be who we're gonna be or we're want to be. I think everyone has morality in their own thoughts, sounds like "hati nurani" or something in Bahasa. But in some kind of people maybe that part is closed by darkness. What darkness? It might be a feint, dissemblance? Or a pretending? 
Some people pretend to avoid or pretend that they didn't know. 

I convince you, we have it, morality, deep inside our heart. Spread it out?
I convince you, we do have a choice. Choose the right thing?

A Late Night Post.

Hi you,
Here I do try not to think about that anymore, I swear. But still, those "why"s haunts me all the time. I hope you know, I'm okay and that's all I want to be. If you don't mind, please forget what've been happened before. Cheerio!

So, how's life?

My life has revolved around my school activities recently, still. I do love my class, @Superherosmanti, which is so awesome I can't explain.

Be Thankful.

I always believe that everything in this entire universe, happens, for a reason. It's kind of hard in the beginning because my thoughts are always end up being something like "It's so obviously not fair, God" or "I hate my life!", but why haven't we said, "Thank God, for everything You gave to me, may be it was my wrong" instead?
Be thankful, and find the happiness behind your thankfulness.