Temporary?

How long will I love you?
I found that line from a song. Simple question.
As long as stars are above you, the song answered in the following line.
But you know, love is a complex thing. Yet I found it inadequate, a weak word. Like really, you will love someone forever?

Someone told me that love is not a feeling but a commitment; because for real, it fades away through time. This scares me a bit, like, what if later I meet someone special that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he says he loves me but turns out it’s just a temporary feeling. Probably he’ll stay but he doesn’t love me, he stay because it feels like he has to stay. And it’s just what people do everytime, I see?

What if staying with your partner isn’t really real? We just made it like it is now. What if monogamous married is fake? What if I have to live with someone and lying to each other everyday?

I really want to believe that true love do exists. Maybe it’s all because I haven’t met that someone that will let me believe? Hahaha

it is what it is.

If you are looking for someone who wakes you up before the sun coming up, then probably I am not the one you are looking for.
If you are wondering what your future partner are doing right now and you always hope she's already asleep, then maybe I don't fit your wonder.
If you always dream a perfect life; big house, money and everything all well managed, then I might be your nightmare.
I can suddenly freaking out or crying without particular reason or getting anxious about death and stuff.
I hang out with boys and I can't behave like what people expected me to.
I am a contradiction, a paradox.
I am trying, believe me, but you know, sometimes I think I want to be loved as I am.
Oh, sorry, random post.

What Am I Doing?

Here I am, my typical thoughts everytime I feel empty.

I've been thinking recently, what will I do after this.

I probably will finish my degree, getting a job somewhere, get married to someone, have kids, and die eventually. More or less.

I always want something different, I've been always a rebel. I will always look for other ways.

But not in this. I fucking have no clue.

My friend said to me once: get a life.

That kind of moment always, always make me stop.

What life he was referring to?

Because I think I always do that: get a life.

Do I?

What am I doing?

I'm sitting here in sekre hmtpwk, upstairs, trying to write an essay assignment with Regina Spektor's song is played on my Spotify. 3 friends of mine, Kintan, Sandy and Puti are exactly in my sight doing the same thing (I'm assuming).

Yup. That's probably the problem.

I'm seeing 'what I'm doing' as something really, really narrow.

Just a stuff that's been bothering me quite a while

I don’t call myself feminist for reasons (mostly because It’s still confusing for me in some ways) and being “humanist” sounds more appealing and right to me, but let’s talk about that later because that’s not the point.

In this such a holy day for feminism, with this I want to reach out to you people. "Girls", whatever you think it is; a class, group, stigma, maybe an ideology or anything in this cruel society we have these days, most of them are struggling right now. Much girls are oppresed, trapped by accusation and stigma; by rules, society, friends, even family or spouse. This doesn’t mean that men aren’t suffering for more or less same cases, but let me point out that this is happening. A lot. Around us. But you probably agree with me, girls are the one who endure such a great pain here. It’s nearly impossible to write down all of the stories here, but it isn’t hard to spot one in our daily life because it’s simply everywhere. We all sure admit that most women are not as strong as men, I mean physically, and maybe that's why this called patriarchy happened in the first place? I don't know. But one thing is sure, that fact doesn't make men better, or worse.

No, I’m not begging your pity because I won’t ruin all achievement of much great women and what they’ve been fighting for quite a while. You may hate feminist because they’re stubborn and selfish (I’m not saying what they’re trying to say is wrong). But probably, because it is always about carrier and position in society and stuffs, that are exposed. Feminism then only related to breaking rules and deviating religious value, like we women urge to be the best and rule the world and do what the hell we want. But let me tell you, it isn’t. It shouldn’t.

Look at yourself, look at people, look at everything around you. You don't have to label all struggles and fights, do you? People are suffering; so are women, or men. Because life's always being life.

To you who are reading until this very line, I don't care what your fights or what your ideology are called, there are lot women who need help because they are women. Stay awake and help, because what's the point of being human if you don't want to help?
To all women out there who struggle, fight! You're more than you think.

maybe

Maybe God was a poet,
because you're basically just like a beautifully written verse.

What if there's no in between?

I begin to think I'm getting more and more naive and ask why to things more often.
Kenapa sih orang-orang nggak gini atau begitu, apa susahnya sih berubah, or when it gets more extreme, kenapa sih orang-orang pada bego?
Is it just me or being naive is a good thing, at least, kind of?

I learned things in class, too much things. From Economy to human behavior, from Urban Design to RDTR, from Math to Landscape Architecture. I can be an evironmentalist in time and a governance in another. Or a professional consultant in the other day. What I mean to tell you here is, I got so much point of views and perspective which is a good thing, probably, and a bad thing too. Because you know, it gets more confusing and complex, I mean ketika lu udah yakin dengan satu cara pandang dan values datanglah another insight yang tiba-tiba jadi lebih suitable dan appropriate. dan insight baru itu turns out is total opposite from your previous one. Quite frustating, agak lebaynya.

Sometimes it was just so utopist, nice things, the ideals. Things like we have to reduce climate change, save environment, green energy, smart cities, love people. Then came Economy and profit oriented and huge development and civilization and stuff. And I was like what the fuck?

Back again I am a naive girl living in such a rude and cruel world. I always think that those two opposite thing can be combined. I always think, development can love people. Economist and environmentalist can sit together having coffee in a fine sunny day. Because, it is possible in my mind. But but but my surroundings and universe always give signs that it isn't.

It's always look like, black and white. Utopist and Egoistic.
Then it's just bothering me; what if there is only utopist or egoistic and there's no in between?

Still not sure

I have lived for almost 20 years until now, and probably I'm not the one here that have some identity crisis. Maybe that's okay because it's the phase we have to face in life. Who am I and what am I doing here in life...
In some points I think that it's important to know who you are but it's also time and energy consuming. Feels like I've wasted my time for something not so important, even though part of me still believe those philosophical shits I've been in formed me in some ways. Because know yourself first then you'll know the world? Still not sure.

Unfortunate

My friend once said to me why it's unfortunate to be a girl,

we are always be the ones that wait.

But in some cases,

rare cases,

all the times you've wasted waiting,

wasn't wasted after all.

Because it will worth the wait, even probably worth more.

It can be worth all things you did in your life; 

your struggle to pass a test, a sincere smile you gave to someone you met when you walked by, your midnight thoughts, your hug to a friend, 

all things, all the details.

---

So yes maybe we are all agree that corruption "culture" in our surroundings is a sad fact we have to admit. Some are even being pessimist that they fact will someday be gone. In fact, I was.
The whole corruption things politicians and governance do (almost in every sector, everywhere, and everyone in it; yes this is so sad), they aren't things we can solve in a day. Or two. They're cultural, a long heavy chain, from generation to generation.
I always believe that early education is the key.
Honestly I'm one of some people that still believe in marriage and family, and all values in it. Raising children in their early ages is the most crucial phase every parent and every child probably had. Children learned things there, a lot of things. Some are things they will take for their lifetime. This is where you can break the chain.
There are many reasons why women should be smart and educated, but because women will be a mom to her kids someday is one of the best reason, yes for me it is. This terrifies me a lot actually. To know I will be the key for someone's life and way of thinking.

You can break the chain.
We can.

Everytime.

Everytime I read or watch about someone’s life discovering stories, I always have a moment of silence and think about mine. What the fuck am I doing here and what is life questions then smashed me over and over again. I thought about escaping from this shits I’ve been doing in college too sometimes. Beach camp, off to somewhere far, find a good place to read and think. Alone. Sky-gazing. Wondering. Lost?

But you know, those things are easier to be said than done. Afraid, doubt?

I don't know. Maybe if someday I’m gone for a while, you know I’m somewhere.  

We're greedy, just admit it.

So this is an idea that just popped up in my head.
The idea of sharing. I just realized we don't share much, I mean as something great as human race. We're simply, greedy.
People don't want to share their works, their research, their way of thinking, their belongings in general just because we don't want them to be copied with some losers. We don't want them belonged to someone else.
Why?

It doesn't mean I support pirate or plagiarism, don't get me wrong. That's not the point I'm making here. The spotlight is in us, as an individual. We want to be seen, seeking for attentions and acceptence in social life. Maybe sociology can tell more, because yes we're such a attention seeker. Admit it. The question is why? Why people are so urge to be standing out and be seen?

Probably that's the reason why we're still here, anyway?
But in the other hand, I think human and its egocentric isn't necessary.
We can simply share, like, everything. Yes, social media and globalization and the internet and things help a lot. (Is it really a help? Don't know.)
I mean not only about shits you're watching right now, or songs that you like at the moment, or places you've been going. Share knowledges, your perspective to see the world, everything. Artworks, scientific paper you're working on, projects. If everyone is sharing, then probably I think there will be no plagiarism anymore. Because we make an atmosphere of sharing and helping, we put back the essence of being human to its right place. We make an atmosphere of "being human".

But yes, so utopia.

The importance of be seen and accepted are always being the main concern of most people. Not being too self-centered and selfish aren't that popular. This is kind of sad, because some said that we're rare and special, but we are endangered with our own ego and selfishness.

Random Thoughts. (Again and Again)

Everything in our everyday life, if you’re lucky enough to catch it, have little things, details, dots that later  will make some senses. Maybe today we only catch a dot we thought unimportant, but heaven knows what will happen later will make another dots turned into something. Maybe a line, or lines. Maybe those lines will make a plane eventually? Maybe it turns into 3d cube, something looks like a star  or spherical and shits?

I do believe that everything that happens right now, somehow will affects everything that will happen. I’m not calling it fate or something but you know, it’s kind of confusing. Some people say, it is what they call the next dimensions, dimensions after the third we always know (ya because we definitely live in it). But in the end, my thinking capacity isn’t that huge and maybe I’m basically stupid. Maybe most people are, too. Then we’re tired of it, so we decided to call it fate, again.

Whoa that was  2 whole paragraphs full of nothing.  

Hmm. Back again.

I know nothing about this world. Universe. Life, death, and everything in between. Human and its way of thinking. Skies and trillion stars in it. Mammals, bacteria, chemicals. The word “world” is so huge and consist of unbelivably countless random things. So here I am, one of those countless random things, writing shits.

I actually am, trying to get those shits together and write something that make sense and considerably good by most people by writing poems or maybe a kaboom scifi or cute photos of mine or over seasoned jokes or hangout with cool friends in cool places kind of story. But that’s not how it works for me, I don’t know why but seems like my brain capacity and my way of thinking, they’re both wierd. I always end up writing some random thing, like it just popped up not in a proper order. I don’t know since when but in some points it’s tiring. It’s hard for me to write in a structure, put things orderly, groovy, or something you can learn easily.

Husna kenapa curhat mulu.

Shit this is so pointless.

Try again.

Yup we’re all tiny little human trying to get to know the world. We don’t and will never stop. But again, don’t you think those are pointless because the world is just too big for us to know? I’m not sure but somehow religious people get the whole point,  you have to live your live peacefully, happy. By believing something knows and understands us, it guides us. It creates us. We believe in fate, what happened, what happens, and what will happen are out of our capability.

Those lines that made by dots,

The question is: Is it us human as individual make those lines from dots (everything we do in everyday life is the dots). Or something more huge than us do, it set up those lines and their dots consisted long before and we’re here  just following the order path?

Hi.

Thanks to some friends of mine, I finally consider to come back here and write something more worth reading. Really, it has been like, 5 years since my first post. What a plenty of time. Looking back through posts I've been made here, glad to know that my way of thinking changed from time to time. It's funny, actually. And a bit wierd.
Anyway, glad to be back.

Then I believe the strongest love bound is called a family.

When you went somewhere far, and left all things you had got before, like your family, you would feel something like hundred times more than just sad. It was horrible. I can't even think the right adjective to describe it. You lost something you knew you couldn't replace. 

The flashbacks were the worst. Memories came back and smashed you over and over again. Everything was reminded you of them. You began to replay how the last time you met them. You began to wonder if they missed you the way you did. You began to think how was home, what did they do at the time, what will it be if you were there.... This was the phase when you wanted to come back, be there, be loved...

It felt so good at first that you no longer trapped or over ruled but that was a sad thing too, to know that those times full of worries and rules are over. No one would sincerely care. No one would be angry when you went home late, or you did something wrong, the way your mom and dad did. You simply knew that they did that the whole time because they loved you. They always love you. You would appreciate the presence of them in your life because of absence by distance. 

Then there came a moment in your life when you realized you couldn't really go back. You were such an egoist bitch. You left them. You said you want to chase your dreams. You left because you said the time had come, to live alone, to figure out life. But yes, I found a good side, too. I learned how to live, to survive, I learned how to manage life. I learned things, a lot of things.

But in the end you'll realize that family made you who you are today and make who you'll become someday. Home will be the best place for your heart to come back, where your heart is truly belong. No matter what happened family will be there for you, guide you and enlightening you. Forever. As long as you live.

Then I believe the strongest love bound is called a family.

(No title needed)

Belajar di kelas bareng.
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There comes a time in your life when you completely realize kalo emang yg kaya gitu ga bakal pernah keulang. Ga akan ada lagi.
There comes a moment, disaat tugas kuliah ga habis-habis tiap hari, lu bakal kangen sama all that "bareng-bareng" things.
There comes a pause, when you realize that they all simply mean in your memory back then.
There comes a thought, when you realize they helped you shape yourself until you become someone who you are today.
Then, there comes a time when you realize you simply miss them much. Pretty much.
.
I used to spend most of the day with them.
Then feels like everything's just vanished.
Kangen.